Dear Catherine

by Nitesh Arora


This is what happens when you stay awake for many hours working on something. The first in what will likely be a recurring series of ramblings...as long as I train to live without sleep. I wrote these to a friend last night while working on a long paper. That's what normal people do.

Dear Catherine,

This is a letter composed of ramblings while I work. Instead of a Dear/Ask Abby kind of deal, it's Dear Catherine, to let you know what the world is like after 9:00 PM.

Dear Catherine,

Tomorrow I may come into my  class Tarzan style, swinging my laptop's power cord over my head like a lasso at first then using it to swing into class. My first words shall be "ME MAN! ME EVIL!" because men are evil according to any piece of academia. 

Dear Catherine,

I want to write part of this paper in Spanish. Or in hieroglyphics. 

Dear Catherine,

Can my final paper take a philosophical approach? On the first page I would simply write "Why?" and hand it in. 

Dear Catherine, 

Floor's 1-10 of the library close at 11:00 PM. I have 1/2 an hour. Or I can go downstairs since the first lower level is open 24 hours. My class is there too. I could walk into class not having gone back to my room, hand in the paper, and say "here [students], take this paper and go to [a not very nice place]!" 

Dear Catherine,

I think I should create my own language. That way when someone asks me a question I can ask them to repeat it in my native language because I do not understand them. 

Dear Catherine, 

Deaf people in the US use American sign language. If you want to communicate with deaf people in Spain you have to learn another language!

Dear Catherine,

When you have a dramatic / important day you should communicate everything in song as if you are in a musical. The people that know you well will join in and those that do not will think that they have gone mad. 

Dear Catherine,

In English, chickens say 'cock-a-doodle-doo!' and in Spanish they say 'quiquiriquí!'. 

Dear Catherine,

On the way back to my room from the library, I passed a horse-dog. It wanted to attack me.

Dear Catherine,

If an Indian person walks into a room with a mullet, is he still Indian or just a nice 'down-home' American? 

Dear Catherine,

If a bug goes into a person's mouth, can you tease that person for having kissed a bug?

Dear Catherine,

Did you know that your life can become like a soap opera, too, if you play powerful classical music after someone says something dramatic to you? "We're out of toilet paper." [look of shock, looks at speaker, tears in eyes--cue music!]

Dear Catherine,

Would you like to be noticed by your peers? Rid your entire body of any hair. Go into public one day with a chrome costume and, preferably, matching chrome makeup. If someone talks to you, smile and say 'hello, I am from the future--it is a pleasure to meet you'.

Dear Catherine,

If you use public transport you should be a good citizen and provide entertainment for you fellow humans. Begin to whistle or hum the tunes to either "Pop goes the weasel" or "I've been working on the railroad". 

Dear Catherine,

Do you need a cool social tic to appear memorable to those around you? At one point every hour (a specific point like 23 minutes after the hour) repeat a series of names that belong to a category such as types of wine, ways to prepare eggs, or the names of different yoga poses.

Dear Catherine,

If you win millions of dollars in the powerball drawing, you should buy a private island, invite people to a party, and at the party yell out "BOW TO ME FOR I AM QUEEN!"

Dear Catherine,

What if, one day, all of the objects that you have previously named (your car and  phone) came alive? And formed an obsession with you because you were the only person to consider them  creatures?

Dear Catherine,

This weekend, you should see if being a Texan in Virginia helps with the dating. "Hey there fellas. Now, which one of y'all is gon' take me square dancin'? Back in Texas we say a lady ain't a lady less she can square dance with a gentleman suitor of her very own"

Dear Catherine,

Thinking of a new hairstyle? Cut some bangs and wear the extra hair around your neck like a pendant.

Dear Catherine, 

I have not gone to sleep yet. But, I feel like I am doing a good job with my paper. So, maybe if i never sleep again I can be good at everything?

Dear Catherine,

How do you know that something will not crawl inside your mouth while you sleep? Or that someone is not secretly watching you? What if you have a squatter that lives in the walls!

Dear Catherine,

Do you believe you can fly?

Dear Catherine,

I go back to Virginia for a couple of weeks this Saturday. What if New York stops existing while I am gone?

Dear Catherine,

New movie idea: Bollywood musical-style movie except all dancing is done by cars...kind of like drag racing and synchronized swimming.

Dear Catherine,

When meeting someone for the first time, a fun way of introducing yourself is to burst into the oompa loompa song. "Oompa Loompa oompa-de-doo..."